This Little Light Of Mine

I just remembered how I would constantly be singing this song when I was little... & how I wish I could go back and warn myself of everything that was to come and take my light away... I was once very innocent and naive about people and what they could do to me. I've been put down and pushed around and taken advantage of. I developed depression and anxiety. I became an angry and sad person. I was too afraid to stand up for myself, and was pressured into many things that I really didn't want to do: lying, cheating, smoking, drugs, alcohol, sex... I didn't know who I had become. I would look in the mirror and not know who I was. The horror of feeling so lost in your own skin, always leading to self-destruction, in more ways than one. The constant battle of debates in your head, fighting against your thoughts and what is reality. Trying to find something to give you hope, to keep you wanting to be alive, but only resorting back to the very things that made you feel so helpless in the first place. The cycle is hell. I honestly cannot tell you how I escaped the cycle, however. It seemed like such an impossible thing to do, living in that darkness and desperation. But the truth is.. my light was never taken away. It always remained inside of me. And each second, each minute, each day, each week I was able to stay away from the pressure people put on me, the stronger I became. The darkness lessened and my light shown closer to the surface. I used my light to block out the negative influences, while slowly discovering who the inner-me really was. It was a great struggle and took a long time, but eventually, it was clear who I was supposed to be. I am now able to stand up for myself and do the things I want to do, and refuse the things I don't. I realized that this is MY life and I only have one, so I am going to live it MY way. You can never give up, and you can never give in. You have your own light inside of you. You must keep searching and stay strong, and you too will find yourself. Embrace your light, and let it shine.

Rise Up This Morning

Starting this morning and every morning to follow, I plan to wake up in time so that I can see the sunrise. It is such a beautiful and powerful part of our lives that is so often overlooked. It is no wonder to me why people wake up in bad moods, struggling to get out of bed, and dreading the day ahead of them. It makes me wonder how different the world might be if we all woke up maybe 30 minutes earlier to watch and be amazed as the colors slowly change in the sky. To sit and think of all the world that is waking up, getting ready to face the day, of all those we share this beautiful scene, and this beautiful life with. Us humans take so many things for granted and always end up complaining about how nothing is going right, how many problems we have, and how unhappy we are. But I swear, if we all took just 30 minutes each morning to sit and rise up with the sun, we would realize how small our problems really are, and how little the details really matter. The big picture is amazing and beautiful, and rising up with sun each morning can bring us one step closer to realizing the true beauty of the nature of our lives.

A morning experience - June 26, 2012

"Have you ever stayed up all night and morning just to watch the colors of the sky shift with the sunrise? It's beautiful. Like droplets of paint dispersing in a jar full of water. One strand of the rainbow melting into the next. It makes one wonder what other magical parts of the world we often overlook. So as you get up this morning, don't just get out of bed... Wake up & Live. :)"

Sitting, Waiting, Wishing

"Good things come to those who wait."

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"Sometimes what you're looking for comes when you're not looking at all."

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Recently, this has been so true. Every now and then things seem to run on a downward path. Some things don't go right or the way I'd like them to, and I get disappointed. Sometimes I just lose my sense of purpose. But as I start to relax and lose concern about the tiny details, good things start to happen! I might receive a random compliment from someone at school, come across an uplifting article online, or re-discover one of my favorite songs. But most recently, an old friend from highschool contacted me, who I thought I would never talk to or see again. I hadn't talked to him since graduation, almost 6 months ago. It was very surprising. It just made me feel good that I was actually remembered, by someone who I hadn't talked to very much in the first place. Things like this help restore some hope in my life.

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This all makes me realize how important it is to have patience. We all need to learn how to "let go" more, and release some of the control we have on our lives. Sometimes, if you want something, and you try really hard to get it, nothing comes around. Sometimes, waiting is the only thing you can do. Waiting kind of does what sleep does to the brain. It gives time to sort things out. Let's face it, not all of our problems can be solved in one day, can they? You have to have patience. "Sometimes what you're looking for comes when you're not looking at all." This has happened to me. Great people have come into my life, when I least expected it. I wasn't searching for them, but they were waiting there, right under my nose. They appeared at a perfect time, and I am so thankful for them. :)

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Just something to add.. a cover of Jack Johnson's "Sitting, Waiting, Wishing" by The Gaslight Anthem's (one of my favorite bands!) lead singer, Brian Fallon. Enjoy. :)

 

 

Time Flies

After a short weekend spent with my best friend from high school, I really realized how much life has changed. It has been a little over a month since I moved out to college, and so much has happened. So many connections have been lost, while many new relationships have been formed. As I go back and forth between home and other familiar places on the weekends, it seems like I am in a different world. I am seeing the same things, places, and people, but it all appears to be changed in some way. While I have been at school, studying away, the rest of the world has been transforming into something that's almost.. strange. The memories will stay, but the here & now of those places will never be the same.

This makes me see how true it really is that "time flies." If you don't live in the moment, it will be gone forever. So from now on, I am really going to try to live each day to the fullest, and follow the saying "carpe diem." Seize the day! I don't want the world to just go zooming on by while I'm sitting here doing nothing. Of course, I won't be able to capture and keep track of everything that's going on, but I want to be more involved in life! There is so much outside of this tiny dorm room that I am missing everyday. I will not miss a chance to discover something new, and most importantly, I will never lose track of my friends and family. Everything goes by so fast, but I am going to make it worth it, and make it last. :)

http://raynoah.com/2011/10/04/time-flies/